Deep thoughts with Jessica...

As of Today, we have been in Germany for about 5 months.

What I expected when we got here was almost an instant community. I thought that since pretty much everyone was far from family, people would get the homesickness. The fear, the everything. As I've said before, being OCONUS is an amazing opportunity, but also one that is scary as all get out.  I figured that people would be so welcoming, that we would be able to make friends, etc.

To a degree, we experienced that. Our sponsors were gracious and amazing. They introduced us to our city, offered their apartment, phone, car, whatever we needed to get settled. Unfortunately for us, they also ETS'd soon after our arrival. 

 

 It's been a little more tough, but we've been surprised by every turn by people coming out of the woodwork. We're slowly making our little family here again. I forgot that it took me well over a year at Bragg to forge a community...and that it took 2 to make our family there. 

 

Here, I've relied more on social networking. It has definitely helped me keep in touch with friends and family. It also came with a downside for me.

Pregnancy/Birth Announcements.

They can be SO hard to read. It feels as though each announcement says to me "What's wrong with you? Person X already has 2 kids and they're just a year older than you.". Even though I know it's completely bonkers, I feel like somewhere out there is a pool of available babies, and that I am continually missing my chance. That these people are taking MY potential babies. 

Like I said, I know this is not the case. It has gotten much better with time and prayer and so much else. This truly has been a year of growth.  More on that later. 

For the more practical update: We have completed our first rounds of testing with Dr.W. C is fine, but it looks as though I have symptoms resembling PCOS(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but no official diagnosis for it just yet. Dr. W recommended we start Clomid to help me ovulate earlier and hopefully produce better quality eggs. We were all set to start this month, but found at the baseline ultrasound that I had a 1.25" cyst on the right ovary. Since Clomid stimulates your hormones/ovaries, it is highly recommended to not take it if you have a cyst as it will encourage it to grow larger and potentially do some major damage. 

So the first medicated cycle was a bust. We will try again next month, with hopefully better results.

Now that all that's out-Bologna was amazing! Recap to come hopefully this week. Though, classes have started now as well so it may be a bit.  Here's to being more intentional with the time I have!

A TTC Update

I realized the other day that I hadn't posted a TTC update for awhile, so here goes. 
The Mr. and I were on a break for a few months. I wanted to make sure (as much as I could, anyways) that I would be able to make it to my friend Staci's wedding, and hopefully to Alpha Chi convention.  We have since started "actively" trying again, which means taking temperatures, OPK's, etc. 
I was due for a well woman exam, so I spoke with my PCM(Primary Care Manager) here about how we have been trying for awhile. She said that since we were so close to a year of trying, and it's hard to get in with the doctor here, that she'd go ahead and write me a referral to a doctor here for a female infertility workup.
We've seen him once so far, and I just had some blood work done today. He's thinking that it's a hormonal issue, which should be reflected in today's testing.  I've had an ultrasound (Me and Wandy...we're not friends) and he's taken all our history and information. We go back to see him again in just over a week to get our results, and the Mister goes in for testing the following day. From there, we just work with everyone to hopefully formulate a plan and get pregnant!
Because I have TriCare, it is unfortunately not the easiest process. After this next appointment, my German doctor will write up a report. This gets returned to TriCare/my PCM who then decide what their course of action is. They could decide to handle it themselves, send us a Military Treatment facility, or just hand us back off to our German Doc. We are hoping that the plan will be to allow us to continue seeing the German doctor. His office is convenient to our apartment, and he is just a really kind, reassuring man.  If you know me, you know I tend to be a worry wart and jump to the worst possible conclusions at all times. The fact that this guy calms me down is pretty big. ;)
So, we're starting the process. We're not sure infertility is even something we're dealing with just yet. Right now is the information gathering phase.. hopefully things get to working soon!

On blogging...

As part of one of my courses, we were instructed to keep a blog. For simplicity's sake I am using this one. I figured I'd share why I blog! I started this blog as a way to keep family and friends up to date on what's going on with us. Being in Germany puts us 6 hours ahead of eastern time, so it's pretty difficult to keep up with family, especially family that works. I also thought it would be a good place to get "out of my head" on our journey of trying to expand our family. It's not easy,and the journey can be very isolating. I blog because it's fun for me! I blog because it helps me keep up with my Army Spouse friends.  Blogging, however, isn't for everyone. It's been hard to keep up with (as evidenced my long spaces between posts..), but it's worth it for me. So many people in my course are saying that they don't enjoy it, which I can understand. If you're more private, then blogging definitely isn't for you.  Why do you blog?

The Suck List and Moving On

So.... I had written this great little whiny piece about how life is hard. And that things are crazy right now. And then I realized that at this point...that's just par for the course. So- A quick "Suck" list and then we'll move forward. Yes? Yes.

THE SUCK LIST:
1. The Army is dumb. Who's surprised? No one? Okay.
2. Moving is difficult. Moving is exponentially more difficult what you're moving to a different country.
3. I want to be pregnant. I'm not pregnant. People I love are pregnant, and that makes me happy, and also intensely jealous. Taking a break from trying sucks. Stupid Uterus....get it together! (in a few months...I'd really like to make it to Staci's wedding. Kinda Important.)


So. Now that we're done with that... I'm getting excited about Germany. It's a tenative, Type-A I need to plan things kind of excited, but that counts, right? I know we will probably be living on post, but I've been looking at AHRN (Army Housing Referral Network) just to get an idea of the area, and to have  back up plan. I mentioned I'm a planner, right? There's so much beautiful architecture there! I am so excited to explore it, even if we're living on post.

We'll be there in time to experience an Oktoberfest, just not the main one.

We'll get to try Gluhwein (spiced wine) at a Christmas Market... Wiesbaden's is star themed, I
 believe.

We're going to be living in the heart of Riesling country. I'm not a huge sweet wine person, but it's gotta be good when you're living there!



We will have a whole new set of experiences and memories to share. I'm going to buy my niece a Dirndl.

Life is good, ja?
-Jess

On TTC

I've touched on it before here, but I guess I should explain further.

C and I have known from day 1 that we want kids. We both have siblings that we love (most of the time), we both love kids, and it's something we both feel called to. We have considered starting to try a number of times-but we always had a reason to reconsider. Between deployments, family events, finances...there's always a reason. Finally, after deployment 2 and our post deployment vacation, we thought it was perfect timing. So on our anniversary, we started actually trying. I had gotten off of birth control when he left for Afghanistan, so for us it really meant me learning about my body and timing things.

I have done everything I know how to. I have taken my temperature daily, I have checked my cervix, I take ovulation tests, I take itamins and read up on what's best. I have tried just about everything short of doing eating pineapple core and 45 minute handstands after sex (UTI much?) to try. At what point do I assume that it's just not God's plan for me? At what point do you start seriously looking into adoption/fostering/just giving up? How far is too far into assisted reproduction?Or is there a too far when you're looking at being parents? There's a lot of questions for us....

Right now, like I've said, we are on a break from trying. I still take my temperature, since that lets me know where I am in my cycle and how to time everything else. This is month 7, for us. When we resume actively trying again (once we're settled in Germany, whatever that may mean for us.), we'll probably weight another 7+ months before seeking additional medical help. The traditional recommendation is that after a year of trying, you should see a doctor (if you're under age 35). We'll see if we make it that far. I certainly hope not, but you never know.

It's not about "Just relax" it's not about "Well, have you thought about/tried/whatever?". It's hard. It's deeply emotional because as a woman this is what your body is supposed to be able to do! You spend years avoiding pregnancy. You think that it's SO easy to get knocked up so you are double/triple stracking birth control methods, only to find out that when it's time...it's actually pretty tough to get pregnant. It's not just one drunk night, it's lots of nights of trying, praying, crying,  and finding the bottom of that "half full" glass.

So now, we wait. We wait on us, on God, and on future Baby M. <3
Jessica

The post that isn't really cohesive at all.

So.

I'm still not pregnant. I actually started AF this morning. I want to say I'm shocked, but I'm not. I'm tired of trying, but not losing hope. There is nothing sweet/romantic/sexy about trying to have a baby.  It's stressful, it's upsetting. Upsetting to get your hopes up each month, to have it dashed. To not know what you did wrong- if anything! Some websites say you have a 20% chance each month... That's low. That means that most people will not succeed. But what does it say that We've been trying for 6? Nothing. It says nothing.

This also means we are now taking a break from all of it. It's sad for me, but good in the long run... I need some time to lose some of the weight I piled on, use our wine tasting groupons, and move.

My brother had a beautiful wonderful wedding and I'm so glad I was here for it. I'll do a picture post once we get those back from the photographer.

The move is really becoming real. I have less than 20 days left with my car, I'm under 60 days till our flight. Lots of organizing to happen. Lots of selling crap to happen.

I read the divergent books and loved them and need the third one to be out already.

C and I are taking some time to work on us and that is needed and lovely.

We've received sponsors and they're pretty helpful.

I'm trying to remember to praise in the middle of this storm. What is for me will not pass me by.

Hurry up and Wait

So quick updates first:
-Still no paper orders or welcome packet
-AF ended up arriving, the whore.

Ugh. I was so hoping for this cycle for a number of reasons, one of which was to be able to tell my family in person. But now, that's not so much the case. So we're waiting now for go time. I've been taking a break from temping, since I usually ovulate pretty late, and its been very nice. I'll start back on Monday. That will be cd6 so that's more than enough time for Fertility Friend to catch a pattern. Never thought we'd still be trying at 6 months...but that's life. After this cycle, I'm taking a break for a little bit. My friend (more like a sister) is getting married next May and I want to be able to be there...especially since I'm the MOH. so I'll avoid a little for that and potentially for convention. We'll see. This cycle... I should be getting AF right after my brothers wedding, while I'm still home. So I'm not sure what I'll do about testing.

I'm getting really frustrated with the move. I NEED to apply for my no fee passport, and soon. It has similar processing times to a regular passport, and if we are expected to be there by September, I need to have it by August. I can't apply, however, until  we have orders. C went to his levy brief yesterday and gave them all the paperwork they needed, so we should have orders this coming week. If that whole situation wasn't enough, we have no idea what we will be getting into as far as housing. There's a lot of rumors but not a lot of straight answers. Since we do not have children (and apparently only one child would not change things), it looks like they would be putting us in a 2 bedroom apartment...not a fan. I've heard rumors that C should get an extra room authorization for his Army crap, but nothing concrete. I have an email into our post's housing office to see what they can tell us. I can't decide which scares me more...the idea of living in a 2 bedroom apartment or living off post and having a landlord that doesn't necessarily speak English.

Hopefully next week will bring more answers and better news!
Jess

Storm before the Calm

Most people talk about the calm before the storm...that moment where you know everything is about to hit, all at once.

I don't know that feeling. I know storm before the calm. I used to live in Oklahoma, where storms can appear suddenly, with no warning. That's what Army Life feels like, at least for me.

Right now, I'm in the middle of frenzied activity that will eventually calm as we move to Germany. I'm not worried about the actual travel, getting housing, even finding my way around. I'm worried about the first storm of getting all the paperwork in order. We're still waiting on H's RFO(Request for Orders), so we're on hold for most everything else. I have gotten my physical (and cleared!), gotten the rabies certificates (correctly done),for the animals... but that's as far as I can get right now. It's a storm that is coming and going...constantly keeping me on my toes. Once that RFO hits, BAM! we're off again, in another flurry of paperwork, cleaning, and organizing.

I'm waiting in the storm right now in the 2ww, 9 DPO and crossing everything I have that Vegas last weekend brought us the luck that this will be the month... A Valentine's baby would be nice, but I'll take any baby right now. :) 

Here's to waiting for another storm to hit.
-Jess

Wilkkomen

It's been a crazy few weeks, but I'll start with introductions.


I'm Jessica(Jess). I'm starting this blog to keep family and friends up to date with my H and I's move to Germany, to vent, and to give myself something to do. I'm 25. I love food, cooking, crafting, the whole nine. I'm a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor, and I'm trying to start the process (a long one for me, most likely) of becoming an Registered Dietitian.

H is in the Army, got promoted to Captain recently, and just a soon after found out he would be going to Germany-Wiesbaden, to be exact. He will be going to MI brigade there, hopefully to take Company Command.  He's 27. He's all things wonderful, 98% of the time. ;)

We're also trying to start our family. We've been TTC for 4.5 months now, and are crossing our fingers for a BFP sometime soon. We've been pretty quiet about the fact that we're trying, because we didn't want to get people too excited, or get the unsolicited conception advice. However, as the months drag on...I find that I want people to know. I don't want to have a huge coming out when it's been over a year. I think so many people (myself included) that thought this would be a quick process. It's not easy for everyone, and that story needs to be told just as much as "I didn't know I was pregnant" and the much longer infertility struggles. I never thought it would take half a year, or maybe even longer for us to conceive a child. I didn't think that taking my temperature every morning would become old hat.

 I do think and know I want support from my family. I promise, if there is something worth updating about, that I will tell you, but please don't ask otherwise.  If you are pregnant-I want to hear your updates and support you! It gives me some ideas of what to expect, what I want to do or avoid... And I love you, so there's that too. ;)

Note to self...start acronyms glossary..

I think that's all for today. Updates to come!
Jess